I don’t know about you, but when a person confronts me by telling me what I should or what I must do, my reaction is that I get over the desire to perform that action, even if I had intended to do it.
I smoked for a long time. When someone told me that I should quit I took pleasure in lighting up another cigarette.
The moment I decided to quit and thought that I could certainly do it, in one month I was able to remove this harmful habit from my life.
Being told “you have to dress a certain way,” the so-called dress code, makes me want to do the opposite. Seeing it instead in terms of possibilities makes me always present myself with the appropriate attire for the situation, as well as my way of being.
And when someone arrogantly tells me what I MUST do? We don’t talk about that.
I thought all this was related to my being impatient with excessive authoritarianism and my placing a lot of importance on words; however, I have found that there is research and scientific evidence confirming that thinking and saying “I must,” when the goal is to seek solutions, is counterproductive.
Thinking in terms of duty takes away our motivation, strength and efficiency.
Better to think in terms of possibilities.
Power and duty are modal verbs. I can express the possibility. I must express the necessity.
Susan Heitler, a Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of the book From Conflict to Resolution, has done several studies in which she used a technique called kinesiological testing, a tool for assessing health status by evaluating muscle efficiency.
The test involves using muscles as if they were the “terminals” of our body computer.
Depending on the level of tightness or failure of muscle tone of specific muscles in relation to a physical, mental, emotional, etc. stimulus, the test indicates when the subconscious mind agrees or disagrees with a given statement.
When the body recognizes something as “invalid,” a decrease in muscle strength results.
Susan, in her article “Should You Use This Word? It Decreases Your Effectiveness” tells of how a fit football player reacted to different words related to a situation that involved him emotionally.
Susan asked him to repeat a few sentences:
- I would like to visit my grandmother.
- I could visit my grandmother.
- I should visit my grandmother.
- I have to visit my grandmother.
His muscle strength collapsed when he repeated the third and fourth sentences.
In his further experiment with a patient who kept procrastinating an action, he realized that thinking in terms of duty takes away strength and fills one with anxiety and stress. Thinking, on the other hand, even about something not very fun and pleasant in terms of possibilities, allows one to do it faster and with better results.
It’s as if a switch flips in our brain.
Eliminating the “should” toward oneself allows one to stay more focused and balanced.
The same happens in other people. When we deal with them by assuming that they should do something for us, the risk is that misunderstandings and a sense of impatience are created.
When looking for solutions, it pays to think in terms of possibilities and not duties.
In a study conducted at Harvard by Francesca Gino and her colleagues, a group of participants were given some challenges with ethical implications for which there seemed to be no good choice or solution.
After that, one group was asked the question
“What should you do?”
Another group was asked:
“What could you do?”
The potresti group was able to generate more creative solutions.
People intuitively think in terms of duty when facing moral dilemmas and ethical issues. However,
Putting the question in terms of “what could I do” helps to find solutions.
Approaching problems with a “should” mindset locks you in on options and narrows your thinking, often urging only one answer, the one that seems most obvious.
Instead, when you think in terms of could, you remain with an open mind to various possibilities that inspire you to be creative.
How about you? Do you face challenges with a MAYBE or a SHOULD?
There are several advantages to being a little bit REBEL and avoiding thinking about “shoulds.” “Rebels” also have
Sources:
When Solving Problems, Think About What You Could Do, Not What You Should Do
Francesca Gino in Harvard Business Review April 27, 2018
Does “Could” Lead to Good? On the Road to Moral Insight
Ting Zhang, Francesca Gino, Joshua D. Margolis
In Academy of Management Journal VOL. 61, NO. 3
June 22, 2018
Should You Use This Word? It Decreases Your Effectiveness
Feeling stuck in a bad job, relationship, or situation? Beware of this word!
Susan Heitler Ph.D.
March 9, 2015
